Tuesday, October 28, 2014

When Filters Get Clogged

Because Ray and I have made a conscious decision that divorce will not be an option for us, the cosmos he's played many jokes on us. Several major health scares, financial (all but) ruin, job losses, parental death, sick kids, we have run the track. So in the course of our marriage, in order to avoid felony charges, we have at different times, both together and individually, spent time on therapists couches. We have never spent a LONG time ( though maybe we should :)) with any one therapist, but we have definitely learned some things from each.

It's all our parent's faults.

Haha. Just kidding. Really the main thing we learned has come into play here recently with my whole health debacle. The therapist ( using that term because I can't remember what she was, psychiatrist, psychologist, whatever) told us that each person hears things through the filter of their own experiences, feelings, etc., and that what you say may not be what that person "hears". I found that very interesting because it seems to be very simple yet very true. I know I have often spoken to people about one thing, and gotten a totally off the wall reaction about something else. Filter clogged! Just saying this has become a diffuser when there is a misunderstanding. Instead of "That's NOT what I said, you big stubborn jackass!", I say, "Your filter is clogged, because that is not what I said or meant." And then I mumble "jackass" under my breath. Marriage is a living, evolving thing. 

My point is this, when you have a communication problem, is the other person's filter clogged? Are they responding to what they think you said or meant? 

Man, I am insightful after getting up at 4 am and drinking 2 cups of coffee........

Thursday, October 9, 2014

You Asked For It

A few people have asked me to update my blog more often. Well here it is. Today what you get will probably not be wity and fun. It won't be light and giggly. If that's what you are looking for, hit escape now. Seriously, turn back, because I got issues today.

If you are still reading, I have to assume you are ok with my issues. And the main one is this. I am disabled. It has taken me a while to accept that. And now that I have accepted it, I am really learning how to live with it, and what my limits are. So, I am not willing to bang my head into the wall anymore. Literally and figuratively. My disabilities are not visible. I don't use a cane, even though I am blind in one eye, and have severely compromised vision in the other. Should I carry a cane? Wear a shirt that says "Can't see!"? I am dizzy ALL THE TIME. No, really. All the time. Take that in. That great feeling when you've had a few drinks and you have a buzz going? That. With no drinks. And without the great part. Just the stumbling around, and the falling and bruises all the time. And being in a store and wondering if people think you are drunk. It sucks. The drs don't know why it's happening, or really what to do for it except to give me meds that help but make me sleepy. And when I sleep all the time, I just feel guilty for all the stuff that did not done.

I'm just frustrated right now. I have always been very independent. I am still, to a point. So when I ask for help, it's because I NEED it. It's more frustrating than ever to not get that help. I don't want a big hoopla about it, I just need the help. And I'm also stubborn, so I'm not going to beg for help. I will just feel resentful that you didn't see my need. I can't help it that that is not logical.

Maybe tomorrow I will be back to my goal setting, list checking self, but right now, I'm just irked.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Losing Plates Left and Right

It's been 8 months since my last blog post. If you know me, you pretty much know why. If you follow my blog, but don't know me personally, I guess I'll catch you up.
On May 30, I had a "semi-emergency" surgery to remove a hemorrhagic cystic ovary. I was in a good deal of pain, but it was not life threatening, so we had to wait 1 extra day for insurance approval. The surgery went well, and off I went to recovery. Sometime that night, I stopped breathing, and experienced both a stroke and a heart "event" called Broken Heart Syndrome. It has a Latin name also, but is essentially a shock induced very mild heart attack. So mild in the heart attack arena that they don't like to call it that much. Still, it it what it is. So, I wake up the next day with tubes in my throat, in the ICU where I stayed for several days ( I am simplifying this, I moved in and out a few times) and can't see at all out of my left eye, and everything is very blurry in my right. AND the tube in my throat keeps me from telling anyone. I was not a happy camper to say the least. I learned later about the whole "Code Blue" all over the hospital, and all the chaos. In true Ray fashion, the nurses could not see to intubate me, and asked for a light. He whips his pocket Mag-light out of his pocket and hops right up into the middle of the group SAVING MY LIFE! I guess the nurses figured any flashlight would work, because they used they very unsterile pocket light, and it worked. I stayed almost 2 weeks, saw 7 different drs and 3 different therapists. I left wearing a Life Vest, a wearable, portable defibrillator. Major pain in the neck. It alarmed often but never shocked me. I was EXTREMEMLY dizzy all the time, still totally blind in my left eye, and almost blind in my right. 
Fast forward to today. I completed a few months of physical therapy and went from being dependent on a rolling walker to being able to walk on my own. I do have days where I look like I've had a few drinks. I can't drive at all, and won't be able to again. I had to leave my job dispatching at the police department and that was really hard. Not only do I miss doing the job, we need the money (duh), but I miss all my PD friends. Everyone says they will still be around, but that wasn't true before I had to quit, when I was just out in medical leave. I just have to acknowledge that I viewed some people as friends when they viewed me as a co-worker. 
My vision in my right eye is better. The nerves jump back and forth, a little bit on good days, crazy on bad days, so I move my head sometimes to see. I can read on my Kindle when it is on it's largest setting and I have my thick glasses on. I can type and use FB and such on my iPad so that I can enlarge stuff. My left eye has a teeny bit of peripheral vision, but a big blob right in the middle. Puny on a pair of sunglasses, then put a pat of butter in the middle of the left lense. That's the closest I can get it describing it. The eye specialist believes this is as good as it will get. The retinal nerves are damaged and they do not regenerate like some other nerves.
I am still dizzy, almost all the time. I feel like I have had about 2 glasses of wine on an empty stomach. I don't fall often, but when I do, it's more funny than traumatic. I have only scared and hurt myself once, and that wasn't even bad. My dr does not really have any answers to why I am so dizzy.
My family spent their whole summer taking care of me. Especially Amanda. She became my driver, and drove Ms Daisy to A LOT of doc appointments. And if you know me and Amanda, we are just alike, which made for some interesting rides. I have been told in the past that I have some control issues. Believe me, this has cured that!! Amanda may disagree when it comes to her driving my car, though.
Sarah and Emily spent a lot of time watching tv with me, laying in my bed. They did everything for me that I asked and more.
I am at the point of making a routine for myself. I jokingly (somewhat truthfully) say that if a car pulls into my driveway, I get into it. I have learned to knit with my eyes closed, and have begun to sew again. That entails a lot of ripping seams out that I messed up, but I am trying. And I baked cookies this week. Over 6 months since I baked cookies. It seems like such a little thing until you can't do it.
So, I have had to let a few plates hit the ground and try to be ok with it. And I think I will be, eventually.

Monday, March 3, 2014

A Year Later......

     I totally intended to keep my blog updated and be consistently witty and enlightening. Truly, I did. But then my life got in the way. 
     Amanda graduated from high school, and got into an amazing college. She is ridiculously happy there. I only needed a few sedatives. Thank you Lord for giving people the wisdom to create FaceTime, because that is how we survived the first few weeks. 
     Sarah is in high school, and has her few core friends, pretty much like I did in high school. She wants to follow some type of service track, and become a therapist of sorts for the handicapped. She does not want to be a nurse, this she knows, but other than that, the answer is pretty vague. I guess knowing what you do not want is a start. Her heart is with special needs kids, so that is good.
      Emily is Emily. A boy called for her last week. I am not ready. She swears it was for a social studies project. As long as they are not studying "health" together, I guess I will let it go.
      Work stuff was a mess for me, mostly staightened out, we will continue to see. Law enforcement by nature is a beast, so it just gets sticky sometimes.
       All in all, nothing to complain about! Wouldn't help if I did, so.......

Anywho, this has been your yearly update. I will do better at updating my blog. Really. No, seriously.