Saturday, April 7, 2012

An Imagined Life

If you had not died, you would be 44 now. Because you aren't here, I have always thought about endings, and what we missed. I did not get to know you mother to mother. You didn't get to meet my girls, and I didn't get to talk to you about how frustrating and great husbands can be. We missed a lot. But recently I thought that I can decide to give you (in my mind) any type of life that I want. And because you are in Heaven, maybe it's close to what you have. Maybe one day I'll see if I've got it right. So. You would have lived in in a house on a slight rise, leading down to a big pond at the bottom. Maybe in a valley. Somewhere kind of in the country, but not super way out. Your light gray house has a porch that goes all the way across the front, and has a swing and those metal chairs that bounce. Their are lots of plants, because you have studied and followed up on the horticulture interest that you showed when you worked at Opryland. On one side of your house is a fruit orchard with different trees, that you take care, but sometimes forget. We all do. In the evenings, you sit on your porch and listen to the bugs and eat ice cream. You would have maybe 2 horses, in a small stable, fairly close to the house. You would not want your animals far away because you would always want to hear if anything got to them. You always loved any animal, and will continue to do so. I imagine you would have lots of yard cats and a golden retriever. Some ducks and geese in the pond, and maybe some chickens. I think you would probably have had whatever animals your kids wanted in FFA, so a pig, or a calf, or maybe a sheep would likely be in residence. There may be some argument about whether the winning ribbons would hang in the living room or the owners bedroom, but that would get worked out. Inside your house. You never got past the initial "just starting out with not much" portion of your marriage, so it's harder to imagine what your married home would be like. I'd give you a warm home. Lots of rugs, pillows, throws, and comfy furniture. Chocolate browns, and blues, maybe a denim sofa. Definitely a stone fireplace. You would have family pictures and wildlife and nature prints on the walls. It would definitely be a house where people actually lived. I imagine your kitchen would be a little lighter, maybe some creams and green. With a big butcher block table and a milk glass chandelier. The perfect place for a late night card came. Your kitchen would be a working space, but where you did what you needed to do for love. Some people LIVE in their kitchen, you were not really that type, but you liked to cook. I still doctor my Campbells potato soup the way you taught me when I was 11. Your fridge would be papered with everything your kids handed you, notes, receipts, pictures, recipes, whatever. Then there would be your family. Your husband would work hard, and then come home to the simple life that he wanted. Dinner, maybe walk down to the pond to fish for a little bit. You would mainly be a homemaker, but with a lot of side interests. Maybe some volunteer animal work, or something like that. Some days, dinner might be grilled cheese and everyone would be ok with that. You are not Donna Reed, and they know that and love you more for it. Your oldest son is hard to talk about, because he IS here. He is great. I do think he would be a different person if you had not left, though. He is very technical, but does like some of the things you did, so you are still here. Your youngest son would be a boys boy. A tree climber, bike rider, scabbed up dirty handed boy. But he would still have a sweet side, and would defend his mother to the ground. And because this is my imagination, you're having a girl. She will be sweet, but tough. A tree climber in a dress, with a dog and a doll at her side. You will raise them all to have roots and wings, just like the cheesy plaques say to. But you really mean it. You laugh all the time at their sillyness. As for you, there are only a few days when it feel like you sold out. Not going to college. Not becoming a vet. You went down another road, where the scenery was not as glamorous, but the gas was a lot cheaper. Having a family does make you happy. And you don't have to worry about how your house will be too big for just the two of you once the kids have gone, because you are already gone.