Monday, October 29, 2012

A Holiday Thought. Yes, already.

I am one of the firm believers in not rushing holidays. I don't like to celebrate, decorate, or plan for any holiday until the one prior to it is over. This mainly becomes an issue at Hallowgivingmas. We are not huge Halloween fans, preferring to celebrate it more as a fall celebration, with a theatrical twist. Who does not like a good couples costume, guaranteed to embarass the kiddies?? While we often spend Halloween with our church friends, we don't boycott Halloween per se, just don't really enjoy the terrorizing of little kids. If there were any activities that explored some of the historical basis for the night, without buying into the too easy "devil worshippy" crap, I'd be interested. Like the Day of the Dead celebrations. Interesting. In the daylight. For now, I'll hang with my church peeps and celebrate fall, good food, hay in general, and pumpkins. Now I will get off my soapbox (or hay bale) about Halloween, and get to my point. Because I do have one. Actually two.

So, holidays. I like to get the full benefit of each holiday, and give it my full attention before moving on to the next. I didn't think it was fair to Cupid to put the Easter Bunny window clingies up before Valentines Day, and my feelings have not changed. I will bend on Christmas Music, because there just aren't that many Thanksgiving songs. My husband and kids would laugh if I busted a move to "Back That A$& Up" for turkey day, but beyond immediate family, no. So music gets a pass. NO LIGHTS. Thursday night, SURE. I even tried to do that once. ONCE. Now, it'll get done once it gets done. But it ain't getting done til' the turkey carcass sings. Or crunches.

Now for my 2nd exception. This Sunday I saw the sign up sheet at our church for needy families for Christmas. I forget the name for our program. Like most others, I am pretty sure it has the name "Angels" in it. And that name fits. If a child cannot be treated like an angel at Christmas, then this is not a world I want to participate in. A few years ago, after Ray had his wreck and the following chaos, we were experiencing some financial difficulties. It is hard to admit that we were one of the needy families that year. Rather, our girls were. You can eat a lot of pride in your children's names. Our church family was generous, and compassionate, both in helping, and in making it easy for Ray and I to accept the help. It is often hard to admit a need, and having it met quietly and with little fuss warmed our hearts. Our girls had their dad, and had a nice Christmas on top of that. And our hearts were full.

This year, even though it is early, I am asking you to open your eyes to families near you. There are always needs, and this year, consider sharing what you do have with someone who has nothing. Especially if you have kids yourself, that lesson is invaluable. To have them shop for another child, and then give without acknowledgment from the recipient, with just their own knowledge of their "sacrifice". How much would that feed their soul? To not just know that there are "poor people somewhere", but to actually take an action to help? That's the stuff that good humans are made of. And while gifts, "things" are definitely NOT the focus of this time of year, (or shouldn't be), it becomes a focus for a parent who can't provide it. So do what you can. Team up with someone or a few someones and adopt a family. Be sneaky and drop stuff on the porch over a few weeks. Make it fun, don't give begrudgingly. And expect nothing in return. Your warm fuzzies will be enough. I promise.

Monday, October 1, 2012

2 Priests and 2 Golden Girls Take on Europe

In the spring of last year, my grandmother passed away. I wrote a post about it, and some of the feelings I was having at the time. In the months prior to her passing, almost all of her family was able to come visit her, and we were blessed that her illness did not affect her ability to recognize each of us, and visit with us. We are spread out all over the country, so being able to make it to visit her was awesome, and I hope that she enjoyed her visits as much as we did.


After her memorial service, held later that summer, we met at my aunt's house, where all my grandmother's things were stored in the basement. We were all told to pick what we wanted. It was very weird, and everyone was super polite, not wanting to step on anyone elses toes. For about 30 minutes, we all looked and talked, just remembering where various things had been placed in her apartment, or who had given it to her. It was quite emotional, and at the same time, felt like an additional memorial. Just another step in letting go. I picked a few pieces of jewelry, a cookbook, and a wooden chest that my mother had originally given to her. I also liked a packet of pictures and postcards that she had from her trip to Italy in September of 1986. I remember very well the day that she got the phone call saying that she was going to see the Pope. There is a fine line between panicked hysteria and delighted hysteria and when you are watching it, you cannot tell the difference!


So, the packet. My cousin Devon put together a FANTASTIC book about our grandmother, and her life, and wanted to keep all the pictures until she was done with the book. She wanted to have as much to choose from and include as possible, and her efforts show that. So I put the Italy pictures/ packet out of my mind. Then my Aunt Darlene sent the book, and the packet to my mom, who brought me the packet when she brought us Hurricane Isaac. (Thanks, by the way!) The pics are labeled and numbered with a system that I have yet to decipher, and some have descriptions written on the back. They are all very cool. Except for the one where she has her arm back like she is fixing to knock the crap out of whomever is taking the picture. I will post that as soon as I verify if the statute of limitations has run out.


What follows is her travel diary of her trip to Italy. I am typing it the way it was written, in a tiny spiral notebook from K-Mart, bought for $.68. It was a once in a lifetime trip, and I am certain that she made the most of it. I don't think she took a single minute for granted, and I believe that is what I would want to learn from her.




September 19-20
Left Cleveland at 3:00pm. Arrived New York at about 5:00pm. Left at 8:30 after many delays. Supposed to leave at 7:00 pm. Good flight except for some turbulence over Newfoundland. Landed safely at Rome about 9:10 am their time. Father Bob Sell met us and gave Florence and me a rose. We took a taxi to the Casa Santa Maria. That is the house he lives in. At one time it was a convent but it is now where priests live who go to school. He has 3 more years of study. He also goes to the Angelicu (??)and is learning cannon law. His Bishop sent him here for further study. Getting back to the taxi ride. I had heard that the people in Rome were crazy drivers and it sure is true. You say a prayer to cross the street safely because the drivers don't stop except if there is a red light. Coming from the airport our diver got into a little traffic jam and everybody was laying on their horns and our driver was saying a lot of words in Italina. I asked my sister if they didn't have any speed limits because everybody just flys and they do not stop at intersections. Father Bob lives in a beautiful house. It has a courtyard and very nice rooms. Howard stays there because he is a priest. He stayed in the Bishop's suite because there were no Bishops visiting at the time Florence and I stayed at a small hotel near by. It was not one of the expensive ones but it was very nice and it was clean. After we checked into the hotel we went back to the house and Bob took us on a little tour of it. We went into the chapel and to see their rooms, then we went to lunch. Bob speaks Italian, (one of the subjects he has to take) so it was very nice to have him along so he could tell us what things were so we knew what we were eating. Then after a very slow lunch we went to St Peter's Basilica and it was beautiful. Besides having Bob along to tell us what we were eating we were fortunate enough to have our own tour guide. We took a bus to the Basilica, and that experience was about like the taxi ride. I have pictures of the Basilica. It was beautiful but so hard to try to explain it. Then we went on a tour of the Via Scala which is the ruins under St Peter's Basilica. Constantine built the first church there and in time the Basilica was built on top of it. There are tombs of several of the early popes. Very interesting. We were not allowed to take pictures there. To back up a little bit, Father Bob told Florence she would have to set her alarm clock for 5:15 for Sat. We all exclaimed Why? and he with a sly grin told us that he and Howard were going to co-celebrate a Mass with the Holy Father at Castle Gandolfo- his summer home. While we were getting settled in our rooms, he got a call from Msgr Gahonga in answer to his letter asking if he and his friend from America if it were possible to do this. (??)The answer was to be there at 7:00 am. Of course we all got very excited. After St Peter's we rested in Howard's suite of rooms while Bob led Vespers. Then when he finished we went out to supper and went to our rooms to prepare for the big day on Sat. and get some rest because we did not get too much rest the night before and we also had jet lag. It did not take us very long to go to sleep. Sienna Hotel.


September 21 - Saturday
The big day. Bob does not have a car so he asked one of the men who works at his house to drive us. It is out in the country up on a hill. It is very hot in the city and there are no air conditioners or fans. It is at the end of a street. We had to wait until 7:15 before we could get in and their was a Msgr. with a piece of paper with the names on of the people who were "invited". There were about 8 more priests and about 18 nuns and a group of about 12 lay people. There were probably about 60 people. It is a very small chapel. Pope John was in there already praying on a kneeler. The priests stayed in a room to put their albs on and that left Florence and me with a bunch of Italians. After the priests came in the Msgr. took 3 nuns and FLorence and me out of the chapel and told us in Italian and in hand gestures to follow the nuns. We went into a room and he put three stools for the nuns and then two stools for us. We found ourselves sitting in a room looking through a door right across from the altar and the Holy Father. Bob had brought 2 missalettes for us that was in all the language the Pope speaks. It was in Italian so we were able to follow it in English. The rest is written very shakily, as if she wrote it on a bus or while moving. It is very hard to read. HJ Pope John Paul- Communion, Audience, Shake hands, Give rosary to each. Talk to Msgr. Gahonga for a few min. Took pictures of outside. Took a bus and subway ride back to Rome. Went to train station to go up to (something) and (something) and Venice. Had lunch at a sidewalk cafe close to train station. Very nice. Went to see St Mary (something) Basilica. After that St John Basilica. All very tired so went back to hotel rest and freshen up. Went to dinner at about 7:00 pm. Got back at 10:30. Got ready and went to bed about 12:30.


September 22
Got up about 8:30. Got ready to go to church and finished packing. Had breakfast in hotel dining room. Checked out of hotel at 10:30. Went to Father Bob's Casa where we went to Mass at 11:30. Had lunch of hard rolls, salami-cheese-fruit in Father Bob's room. Went to train station - 3 hour ride to Florence, Italy. Went to Hotel Londra to check in. Hooray- air conditioning. Ate dinner at hotel dining room. Had to take walk when we finished. About 9:30 at night. Was like middle of the day for all the people & cars that were out. Went back to hotel and went to bed. Slept good because of air conditioning.


September 23
Breakfast
1)Something 1400 de Lorenzo Basilica, Private Chapel of the Medici Family Palace, built in 12th century
2)Cathedral Santa Maria del Fiore 1292, Medici family had Santa de Lororenzo Church built.
These 2 seem mixed up to me, but they are numbered and listed the way I typed them, and since I haven't been there, I'll take her word for it. HJ
3)Santa de Marco
Lunch
Visited gold and leather shops on a bridge that was built in 11th century. Shops er built over the Arco River called the Ponte Vecio.
Baptistry of St John- 13th century. Tomb of Michalangelo, Machiavelli Granny BUTCHERED the spelling of his name. Thank goodness for Google., and Rosssini. Santa Croce, found by St Francic of Assissi around 1295.


September 24
Santa Lorenzo private chapel where princes and princesses were crowned of the Medici family. Mass at St Lorenzo & recieved communion. Our Lady of Grace Church, lit a candle for Stanley. Uffizzi Gallery - statue of David, the most famous sculpture there. Lunch at the snack bar. Back to the hotel to pick up luggage. Train station and off to Venice at 3:53. Arrived at Venice about 8:30 pm Italy time. After pulling luggage and walking to river, got on a ferry to take us to the hotel. Long ride but nice. Lots of hotels that were lit up. Had to walk pulling luggage over cobble stones. Up and down steps of little bridges. Father Bob carried my bigger bag for me on the steps. Got to hotel - what a let down from the hotel in Florence, no air conditioning- walk up four flights of stairs. Man at desk only had an "apartment" . "Very lovely" he said. We were late getting in on the train so our two seperate rooms were given to someone else. It had 3 bedrooms, 1 bath, and a very long hallway. We were so tired but we had not eaten since lunchtime. We bought sandwiches and drinks and fruit and we ate in the "apartment". Then we went to bed.


September 25
Up about 8:00. Got ready and went to breakfast in the hotel. Took speed boat to the Island of Murano where they make the famous Venetian glass. Very interesting. Then taking into the display rooms and saw some very beautiful things. Howard bought close to $500 worth of things so the man gave Florence a little glass jug for nothing. I found a family of bunnies that I had the money out forand he said it was just "junka" and he would give it to me Kelly now has the "junka" and treasures the little family I believe! I just wanted some little thing from Venice. Came back on the ferry to St. Marco square and had lunch. Bought a few things for people. Went to St. Marco Church and Dozier Palace. Took ferry to St George Basilica which is also a Byzantine Monastary. Beautiful. At St Marco was built in the 1400's, finished in the 1500's. Could see how the floor was sagging because of the water. Remains of St Mark are in there. Went back to hotel room and rested for about 2 1/2 hours. Then Howard and Bob went out to get some food for us to eat and drinks and we went for a walk around St Marco Square. It was very nice and comfortable weather. We sat at am outside cafe that has been in one family since 1869. The band started to play at 9:00. We had been sitting there for about 1 1/2 hours with a bottle of wine so we decided to order a half bottle and the waiter came out and told Bob it would cost more because of the band was starting to play. So he paid it and they played one song and took a 10 min break, 2nd song - 10 min break, 3rd song - "". We left. Went back to the hotel & went to sleep. Very hot and humid.


September 26
Got ready and went down to breakfast about 9:00. Checked out of hotel at 10:00 and left our bags at hotel. Then went and did a little shopping. Went up in a bell tower only because it had an elevator. Beautiful view of the city. Did not take pictures because of grates. Walked around a little in San Marco Square. Went and got our baggage and started pulling it behind us over the cobblestones to the ferry then the long ferry ride back to the train station. Bought sandwiches by the hotel and drinks in the train station and had lunch there because the train did not leave until 2:10. Got to Milan at 5:00 but had to wait at least an hour so Bob could make reservations for Zurmont, Switzerland on the train. Computer broke down so could not do it. Got a taxi to the hotel. Beautiful, air conditioned, and very nice rooms. The priests were in a room down the hall but we had phones so it was ok. Ate in hotel dining room because there was no other place close by to eat. Good dinner. Went for a walk then got a shower and to bed. Very tired.


September 27
Got up. Went to breakfast at hotel. Made reservations for train to Switzerland at travel agency by hotel. Saved us a trip to train station. Took bus then subway to town. Went to Something Basilica dedicated to the birth of Mary. Charles Bormeo buried in altar. 1538-1584. Made Bishop of Milan age of 19. 135 spires, 2,245 statues. Started in 13th century, finished in 15th century. Called Cathedral of Milan. La Scalla Opera House. Had music written? and piano of DaVinci and other memoribilia of some of the other composers. Saw Maria Di Grazie - Our Lady of Grace Monastary for Monks. We were in the dining room where we saw Leonardo DaVinci's famous painting of the last supper. Could not get full impact because of scaffolding for restoration. During second world war monastary was gutted. The only thing that saved the painting -mural- was that they had sand bagged the wall. After the dining hall we went into the church. Did not have the beautiful ceilings they had in the churches in the other cities but had a beautiful crucifix and we heard an organist play Bach and other selections. Very good organist. They are doing a lot of restoration and the walls were not all painted either. They had quite a few side alters and they were all restored already. Got on the subway and bus went back to hotel. It seems all of Italy are restoring their historic buildings. They were doing roadwork right by our hotel. Sure reminded me of Nashville. Ate supper in fella's room. Bread, cheese, meat, and fruit. Florence said we eat like royalty and the next day we eat like peasants. Went for a walk after supper. Beautiful neighborhood. Very expensive high-rise apts. Came back to hotel , got ready for bed because we had to get up early.


September 28
Got up at 6:30. Finished packing then went to breakfast at 7:00. Back to the rooms to get our bags and one last check to make sure we had everything and then off to Switzerland. Left Milan at 9:00 am. Now on the train. Off at something for about 1 hour. Leaving for Zermatt, Switzerland where we will be staying. Got into Zermatt 1:50 pm. Did not have to drag our bags. Hotel vehicle took them. Hotel very nice. Washed up, then went shopping for souvenirs and such. Very quaint town. Don't have to worry about autos or motorbikes. Few bicycles around, but not many. The hotels have like little trucks to take the bags but otherwise it is walking. Went to lunch. Superb Swiss deserts. That was the reason for walking so much. We had to get rid of the calories we put on. We went to the church to see about the guys saying a Mass on Sunday in English because they had 3 in German in the morning, and 1 in Italian at 3 in the afternoon. There was a priest and a nun and they said we could use the chapel downstairs at about 9:00. We walked and walked. I think we must have walked about 10 miles every day since we started on this trip but feel very good. Stores closed at 6:00 so we came back to the hotel and rested a little and then we went to dinner about 8:00 pm. Had to take a walk again. Temp very nice. Was warm during day and cool at night. Went back to hotel and got ready for bed. Slept very good because of the mountain air. We are surrounded by mountains. Can see the Matterhorn off our balcony.


September 29
Got up. Went to Mass. Howard said it and Bob celebrated. It was very nice. It was just the 4 of us. After Mass we went back to the hotel and had breakfast. Supposed to be a continental breakfast but there weresoft boiled eggs and ham and cereal and rye bread and another kind of bread. Both very good. Then we went and changed clothes and walked to the cable cars. We went up to a little place called Schultzersp?, at 8,841 feet. It is just a flat spot on the mountain like a little station. We walked up a little farther and there was a little lake and a chapel. The fellas wanted to hike up farther and Florence and I said Go ahead. We went into the chapel and it was very pretty. The fellas finally came back and we walked back up to Schultzer, where we had German potato salad and weiners. Very good. Walked around the restaurant and then we went on the cable car back down. I forgot to mention that we took two cable cars. When we got off the one we walked around a little bit and sat and looked at the mountains. When we were up to 8,841 feet, we could see the Matterhorn very good. There was snow on the mountains and Howard said that was from last year that never melted. We all got sunburned faces though because we were so much closer to the sun. Got the other cable car and went back down to Zerbatt and went to the hotel. The fellas went swimming in the indoor pool and Florence and I rested. Then went up where the pool was and sat for a while. Then we went down to our room and packed as much as we could and got our clothes ready to wear on the train trip back to Rome. Got cleaned up and went up to the hotel dining room to eat. What food and what service. It was so nice. We started at 7:30, finished about 9:30. They don't believe in hurrying in any of the foreign countries. Howard and Florence and I took a little walk and then went back and took a shower and went to bed.


September 30
Got up at 6:15. Got dressed and finished packing then went to breakfast. Went down to our room, got our bags and went down to check out. Hated to leave because it was so clean and safe there. Did not see one policeman. Now on the train and will be on it about another 2 1/2 hours.
We have been on the train since 8:10. Made two changes. One at something with a B - had 20 minutes to get from one train to another. Then in Milan we had 25 min. Then straight over to Rome. Will get into Rome about 7:15.
Train was late. Had reservations at Hotel Sienna where we stayed last week before we left on our trip and they had given it to someone else because we were late. Everybody was tired from the long train trip so tempers got out of hand. The desk clerk called another hotel and we were able to get into it. It is close to the Casa too, so it is no problem for the fellas to get back and forth to our hotel. Florence and I brought the bread and fruit and cheese up to the room and we ate that and got ready for bed. We were exhausted. It was cooler so we slept very well.


October 1
Got up. Ate breakfast. Fellas came for us about 9:30. Went to the Vatican to pick out the pictures that we wanted that were taken with the Pope. Then went to religious store and bought some things, then had lunch, and went back to the hotel. We just rested because the stores here close between 12:30 and 4:30 for lunch so we did the same. Fellas came at 4:30 - did some more shopping and then went back to Bob's casa and left the packages and went to eat then went back and got the packages and they walked us back to the hotel. Got ready for bed and went to sleep. Have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning.


October 2
On our way to Assissi on the train. Bob just announced the train we are on is late. Hope it is not too late to make connections with the one for Assissi. Hope there is someplace to get film because I only have 7 pictures left on my last roll.
Beautiful- first thing we saw, the Basilica dedicated to St Francis. Body of St Francis buried in altar. Pictures on walls tell the story of how St Francis started his new order. He was told by Jesus on a crucifix to rebuild his church. He built a church in the woods but that is not what the Lord meant. There was so much corruption in the world He wanted to restore Christianity. So then he decided to form the Franciscan order and when he went Pope Innocence, he knelt down and kissed his feet. When Francis asked the Pope for all his cardinals, said no but Innocence knelt down and kissed the feet of Francis and said we do not remember the innocent and he granted Francis's request.
We then went to the Church of St Claire, who was Francis's protege and the first one to be taken in to the order of nuns who are the Poor Claire's. They were an order of cloisters who......this thought does not appear to be finished because the next entry is for the following day


October 3
Went to Sistine Chapel. Saw Michelangelo's famous ceiling. Saw a picture of Pope Leo XIII declaring the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin. Above him it shows the Immaculate Virgin. It was beautiful. Also saw the book that he had signed declaring it. Went back to the religious store so Florence could get some medals for her twins, great nephews and a tote bag to carry the stuff in. Went to St Peter's Basilica for a last look. Then went to lunch. After that we went to see the ruins and the Coliseum. Then we went to St Paul's Church outside the wall of Rome. Very big. In the courtyard of the church a very large statue of St Paul done by Michelangelo. Bob said that is the only statue that does not have a replica any place in Rome. The church like all of them in Rome is very beautiful, also is being restored. Then went back to hotel and rested before we went to dinner. After dinner we went to the Treve Fountain and Bob took pictures of each of us throwing 3 coins in the fountain with our back toward the fountain and throwing the cins over our left shoulder. The story goes that if you do, you will return to Rome. Then we went back to the hotel and got ready for bed.
At the ruins Bob told us about the vestal virgins during the time of Ceasar. They were to keep the eternal fires going and if one of the girls let it go out they all were beheaded. Even the head one. Then they would get a new group in. There are statues of the head ladies and when the Christians came back into Rome, the ones that would not follow Christianity were beheaded. The statue heads were off too. There were only two out of about 15 that turned to Christianity. We saw the place where supposedly Caesar was killed.


October 4
Got up at 6:45. Dressed and Florence and I went to breakfast. Went back to the room and checked to see that we did not forget anything. Then went down to lobby and met Howard and Bob and checked out. Got into taxi and flew to airport. Stood in line at airport. About the time we got to the window they closed it. So we went into another line which was shorter. Also at that time they told us the plane would be an hour late in leaving which would make us miss our flight in Cleveland. So we were booked on a 6:15 flight instead of a 4:30. Will call somebody in Cleveland when we get off the plane from Rome in New York.
Plane circled New York then we were told we were going back to Hartford Conn. to refuel because the pilot did not know how long we would have to circle. Finally landed at 7:15 pm which meant we missed another flight. Went to the United Air windows where they were trying to make arrangements for all of us who missed our flights. They had a flight on another airline leaving at 8:30 from LaGuardia, 18 miles from JFK. so they gave us a voucher for a taxi. Got a taxi right away, but traffic was terrible. Got to airport about 8:15. Howard tok our tickets and went on ahead so we could make that flight. When we got up to him, he told us that flight was late so he had time to call Darlene.


That is the last entry, so I guess the rest of her flights were not that exciting. Reading her writing has taken me so much longer than I thought, and I have had to Google a ton of things when an Italian location was misspelled. I corrected proper names and locations when I could figure it out, but left her grammar the way she wrote it. I think a lot of it was just a type of shorthand. And I personally love how she calls her two escorts "fellas". So Granny.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do!



Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Regrets and Questions, Both Pointless

My Dear Friend,

I have wondered if writing this letter would matter. I know it can only matter to me, because you are gone. And the reason you are gone is because he took your life, as well as his. Because I was not there, and was not in your relationship or your position, I can only look from the outside and ask questions that will never have answers. So I will tell you what I think and hope it is enough.

I wonder if there was something I could have done. I understand that this is common in this kind of crime, for the people around them to wonder this. And I don't think there was. But I still wonder. We were not close for the last year, and I wonder , if we had been, would you have confided what was going on? Was there anything that could have stopped this from happening? I wish that I could have been a better friend, if indeed what you needed was a confidant. You cherished your privacy so much, and I am not one to push, but should I have pushed? Long ago I was on the side of not giving up on your marriage, now I know I did not have all the facts, which were not my business. Did that advice play into your decisions to stay as long as you did? If you had not had your son, would you have stayed? Was his death what broke you both? You were so strong, but that would break anyone. So many questions that just make circles, without answers.

I pray that we can remember that you were in love once. That he did an evil thing, but he also gave you a child that you loved. He was an excellent provider, and gave you a home that you loved. He was a hard worker. Ultimately, his selfishness got the better of him, and took you away. Before that, only you know what happened within your walls. I hope that there were good times as well as the bad. I pray that there were more tender moments then hurtful. I pray that he can be forgiven by one who's power of forgiveness surpasses ours, and that there is peace. Because for us there is still shock and disbelief.

Above all, I want to learn whatever lesson there is in this tragedy. I want my eyes to be clear, and my heart to be open. I know that God does not waste a hurt, so if I don't learn from this, it is because I am not paying attention, and that would be the biggest regret of all. For your death to be a waste. And that is unacceptable.

If I let you down, I am sorry. If I missed a call, or hurt your feelings, or just could have done better, I am sorry. For every time I made an assumption, I am sorry. Because this happened to you, I am sorry.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Crown Brush Rocks

I can't believe I haven't blogged since April!! And now I am inspired by makeup brushes, lol. Anyway, that this sort of symbolic of ny life right now, SO. The point of this blog is to tell you that I only, ONLY use Crown Brushes. Kandee Johnson recommended them, and got a special deal, I think in 2010, around Christmas. I bought a pro set and that is all I use. I need a few more just because when you have something great, YOU WANT MORE. ;) So, Thanks Crown Brush. And pick me!! #crownbrush

Saturday, April 7, 2012

An Imagined Life

If you had not died, you would be 44 now. Because you aren't here, I have always thought about endings, and what we missed. I did not get to know you mother to mother. You didn't get to meet my girls, and I didn't get to talk to you about how frustrating and great husbands can be. We missed a lot. But recently I thought that I can decide to give you (in my mind) any type of life that I want. And because you are in Heaven, maybe it's close to what you have. Maybe one day I'll see if I've got it right. So. You would have lived in in a house on a slight rise, leading down to a big pond at the bottom. Maybe in a valley. Somewhere kind of in the country, but not super way out. Your light gray house has a porch that goes all the way across the front, and has a swing and those metal chairs that bounce. Their are lots of plants, because you have studied and followed up on the horticulture interest that you showed when you worked at Opryland. On one side of your house is a fruit orchard with different trees, that you take care, but sometimes forget. We all do. In the evenings, you sit on your porch and listen to the bugs and eat ice cream. You would have maybe 2 horses, in a small stable, fairly close to the house. You would not want your animals far away because you would always want to hear if anything got to them. You always loved any animal, and will continue to do so. I imagine you would have lots of yard cats and a golden retriever. Some ducks and geese in the pond, and maybe some chickens. I think you would probably have had whatever animals your kids wanted in FFA, so a pig, or a calf, or maybe a sheep would likely be in residence. There may be some argument about whether the winning ribbons would hang in the living room or the owners bedroom, but that would get worked out. Inside your house. You never got past the initial "just starting out with not much" portion of your marriage, so it's harder to imagine what your married home would be like. I'd give you a warm home. Lots of rugs, pillows, throws, and comfy furniture. Chocolate browns, and blues, maybe a denim sofa. Definitely a stone fireplace. You would have family pictures and wildlife and nature prints on the walls. It would definitely be a house where people actually lived. I imagine your kitchen would be a little lighter, maybe some creams and green. With a big butcher block table and a milk glass chandelier. The perfect place for a late night card came. Your kitchen would be a working space, but where you did what you needed to do for love. Some people LIVE in their kitchen, you were not really that type, but you liked to cook. I still doctor my Campbells potato soup the way you taught me when I was 11. Your fridge would be papered with everything your kids handed you, notes, receipts, pictures, recipes, whatever. Then there would be your family. Your husband would work hard, and then come home to the simple life that he wanted. Dinner, maybe walk down to the pond to fish for a little bit. You would mainly be a homemaker, but with a lot of side interests. Maybe some volunteer animal work, or something like that. Some days, dinner might be grilled cheese and everyone would be ok with that. You are not Donna Reed, and they know that and love you more for it. Your oldest son is hard to talk about, because he IS here. He is great. I do think he would be a different person if you had not left, though. He is very technical, but does like some of the things you did, so you are still here. Your youngest son would be a boys boy. A tree climber, bike rider, scabbed up dirty handed boy. But he would still have a sweet side, and would defend his mother to the ground. And because this is my imagination, you're having a girl. She will be sweet, but tough. A tree climber in a dress, with a dog and a doll at her side. You will raise them all to have roots and wings, just like the cheesy plaques say to. But you really mean it. You laugh all the time at their sillyness. As for you, there are only a few days when it feel like you sold out. Not going to college. Not becoming a vet. You went down another road, where the scenery was not as glamorous, but the gas was a lot cheaper. Having a family does make you happy. And you don't have to worry about how your house will be too big for just the two of you once the kids have gone, because you are already gone.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Not A Cop Wife

For most of my adult life, I was a police officer's wife. That was a title, no, a job that I was PROUD to have. I took it very seriously. I did it well. I did not complain (well, not often) about the time away, the missed holidays, the pagers in the middle of the night, the bad moods when calls went wrong, and the whole political circus that goes along with law enforcement. I handled the chickies that follow men in uniform, the nicest nickname of which is "badge-bunnies", the rest, I won't print here, but make me blush. That was not really an issue for me because Ray is not that kind of guy, and I trust him. He does not even notice when I am flirting with him, much less a stranger! Then the wreck happened and things changed. We tried to take things in stride. He recovered, and went back to work. His first night back in uniform I was so, so proud. I had no doubt he could do his job. It did not work out. Nothing work related, but that is another story for another day. So he went to another department. Again it did not work out. We are trusting God that Ray is just not meant to be in law enforcement any longer. And that means that I am no longer a cop's wife. He had to learn a new trade, and is adapting well. So while I feel like I can totally support Ray in learning a new career, I DO NOT know how to be a crane mechanics wife! There is no cool club. No T-shirts. It is what it is. If I did not work in law enforcement myself, I think I would lose my mind. It is addicting, this whole helping people thing. You really can't walk away.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Time. You Greedy B&$*#C!

18 months. That's about how long before my oldest child will be leaving my house for college. At least that's the plan. I don't know if it is the loss we experienced this past year or what, but it all seems like a snowball going down a really steep hill. I have always internally laughed at people who talked about how fast their kids grew up, and thought "Yeah whatever. You are whining because you can sleep whenever you want, your groceries are where you left them, and you do 2 loads of laundry a week? Get over yourself." But now I find myself wanting to stuff my youngest into a toddler bed because it's cute. The oldest is on her way, so I can't stop that, but maybe I can stop the youngest? No? Dammit. Anyway. I find myself frequently frustrated at my job, especially when dealing with kids. Well, not really the kids, but their parents. It seems to me that a lot of parents today have forgotten that their job is to RAISE their children to be adults. It's a process. Not just to keep them alive until they magically become great people, but to teach them how to be productive citizens. This involves skills that do have to be taught. And when parents are lazy, they then want the police, or teachers, or anybody else to fix their children, and that ticks me off! I don't claim to be the perfect parent by any stretch. We are feeling our way, and making mistakes just like many others. But we are present and actively raising our girls. And as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, sometimes I do get panicky thinking that in just a few short years it will all be over. It really does go too fast.