Lately I have been struggling with some unresolved relationships in my life. Not the kind you'd normally think, like my dad's death or anything like that. But the kind where you think you have a certain standing or place in a relationship and then suddenly the relationship is over, or you learn that you are not as important to the other person as you thought. I have always tended to make work-friends that I thought were actually friend-friends, and it took me literally years to learn that some friends at work are just that. Friends at work. And some of my work-friends have been my long time friends and will continue to be. But they are not always the same. And that's a hard lesson, and watching my grown kids learn that lesson is hard too.
The relationships I am referring to have more to do with outside friendships that just end with no context. "We used to be such close friends," What happened? No idea. When you invest your time and your heart into a relationship, the kind where you do family things, campouts, dinners, babysitting, etc. and then suddenly you never hear from them, that hurts. And I have tried to get over it. I really have. But its a struggle. Because when this happens, our human brains says it is us. We did something, said something. But as my grandmother said, "Sweep your own side of the street.' I think I've swept mine pretty well, and if I did something, I am truly not aware of it. I was supportive, available, and pro-active.
In hindsight, I can see that this friendship was never really what it should have been anyway. I was pretty good at following through when I committed to something. I was honest. I was there, which in my mind is the key to a good friendship. I often didn't receive the same treatment. Now I see how often I was relegated to the side, inadvertently made to feel less than, and used to bolster an ego when it was never reciprocated.
After realizing all of this, in the passage of time, you'd think I wouldn't care why this person dropped me like a hot rock. But I do. I want to know if there was any point at which we felt the same levels of friendship. Was I always meant to be a temporary friend? And the dumb questions, why wasn't I good enough? It feels like a breakup where the other person just ghosts you. And it really should not matter that much, but it does matter to me in this case.
Eventually I will let this go, but it really bothers me right now. I've thought about reaching out and just asking, "What's up?", but I don't think it will help. Because of past actions I don't think I'll get an honest answer, which is just as hurtful. So, I'm left to stew in the what-if's. The why didn't I see that befores. I wonder why this all happened and if I could have fixed it even though logically I can see that I could not. One person pouring into a friendship will only work for so long. And then I guess you are left feeling used and stupid, like I feel. And still no resolution.
