Regrets and Questions, Both Pointless

My Dear Friend,

I have wondered if writing this letter would matter. I know it can only matter to me, because you are gone. And the reason you are gone is because he took your life, as well as his. Because I was not there, and was not in your relationship or your position, I can only look from the outside and ask questions that will never have answers. So I will tell you what I think and hope it is enough.

I wonder if there was something I could have done. I understand that this is common in this kind of crime, for the people around them to wonder this. And I don't think there was. But I still wonder. We were not close for the last year, and I wonder , if we had been, would you have confided what was going on? Was there anything that could have stopped this from happening? I wish that I could have been a better friend, if indeed what you needed was a confidant. You cherished your privacy so much, and I am not one to push, but should I have pushed? Long ago I was on the side of not giving up on your marriage, now I know I did not have all the facts, which were not my business. Did that advice play into your decisions to stay as long as you did? If you had not had your son, would you have stayed? Was his death what broke you both? You were so strong, but that would break anyone. So many questions that just make circles, without answers.

I pray that we can remember that you were in love once. That he did an evil thing, but he also gave you a child that you loved. He was an excellent provider, and gave you a home that you loved. He was a hard worker. Ultimately, his selfishness got the better of him, and took you away. Before that, only you know what happened within your walls. I hope that there were good times as well as the bad. I pray that there were more tender moments then hurtful. I pray that he can be forgiven by one who's power of forgiveness surpasses ours, and that there is peace. Because for us there is still shock and disbelief.

Above all, I want to learn whatever lesson there is in this tragedy. I want my eyes to be clear, and my heart to be open. I know that God does not waste a hurt, so if I don't learn from this, it is because I am not paying attention, and that would be the biggest regret of all. For your death to be a waste. And that is unacceptable.

If I let you down, I am sorry. If I missed a call, or hurt your feelings, or just could have done better, I am sorry. For every time I made an assumption, I am sorry. Because this happened to you, I am sorry.