The Things I'm Reading

   I have so much to share about that I will have to ease into blogging with something a little frivolous. But really, it's not frivolous at all because books and reading are what keeps all my spinning  plates from crashing to the floor. So, this is what I've been reading, and what I think about it. Thanks for asking!

1. High Achiever, by Tiffany Jenkins (no relation, lol)
     If you are on FB AT ALL, you've  probably seen some of her super funny yet super accurate videos about family and motherhood today. She is also very vocal about her issues with anxiety, depression, self worth, post-partum depression, just all the things that people DON'T talk about enough.
But High Achiever is about Tiffany's past in the drug world, her time in jail, how she got there, and how she got out. I should mention I got the audio book and it was AHMAZING. Tiffany narrated the book herself, so its really just her telling you her story. And what a story. I just want the follow up story. And I want to see her live. And I want to go hang out at her house. But for now, the book is totally worth it.




2. This Is What You'll Remember, by Holly Waugh
    This is a memoir by a FB friend of my . We were connected by being on a few book launches together, and share a lot of the same friends. When offered the option of helping to launch her new book I jumped at the chance, and I loved it. Her book is so intense and so raw. Holly lays bare the things that have happened to her in her life, and how she not only recovers, but flourishes. anyone can take away something from the beautiful story of redemption no matter where you are in your story.
This Is What You'll Remember: A Memoir by Holly Waugh https://www.amazon.com/dp/1097509044/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_U_x_.6lxDbGZNS2A3 via @amazon

Unresolved relationships: What's on My MInd

   Lately I have been struggling with some unresolved relationships in my life. Not the kind you'd normally think, like my dad's death or anything like that. But the kind where you think you have a certain standing or place in a relationship and then suddenly the relationship is over, or you learn that you are not as important to the other person as you thought. I have always tended to make work-friends that I thought were actually friend-friends, and it took me literally years to learn that some friends at work are just that. Friends at work. And some of my work-friends have been my long time friends and will continue to be. But they are not always the same. And that's a hard lesson, and watching my grown kids learn that lesson is hard too.

   The relationships I am referring to have more to do with outside friendships that just end with no context. "We used to be such close friends," What happened? No idea. When you invest your time and your heart into a relationship, the kind where you do family things, campouts, dinners, babysitting, etc. and then suddenly you never hear from them, that hurts. And I have tried to get over it. I really have. But its a struggle. Because when this happens, our human brains says it is us. We did something, said something. But as my grandmother said, "Sweep your own side of the street.' I think I've swept mine pretty well, and if I did something, I am truly not aware of it. I was supportive, available, and pro-active.

   In hindsight, I can see that this friendship was never really what it should have been anyway. I was pretty good at following through when I committed to something. I was honest. I was there, which in my mind is the key to a good friendship. I often didn't receive the same treatment. Now I see how often I was relegated to the side, inadvertently made to feel less than, and used to bolster an ego when it was never reciprocated.

   After realizing all of this, in the passage of time, you'd think I wouldn't care why this person dropped me like a hot rock. But I do. I want to know if there was any point at which we felt the same levels of friendship. Was I always meant to be a temporary friend? And the dumb questions, why wasn't I good enough? It feels like a breakup where the other person just ghosts you. And it really should not matter that much, but it does matter to me in this case.
 
   Eventually I will let this go, but it really bothers me right now. I've thought about reaching out and just asking, "What's up?", but I don't think it will help. Because of past actions I don't think I'll get an honest answer, which is just as hurtful. So, I'm left to stew in the what-if's. The why didn't I see that befores. I wonder why this all happened and if I could have fixed it even though logically I can see that I could not. One person pouring into a friendship will only work for so long. And then I guess you are left feeling used and stupid, like I feel. And still no resolution.

   

What I'm Reading

     Hi all! I've been MIA for a bit, but I'm constantly updating this blog in my head, so figure that out. A while back I posted about having conversations with people when we disagree. This situation has only intensified as far as social media goes, in my opinion. This makes me hesitant to blog about anything terribly important, because chances are good that someone will have a differing opinion. I'm not afraid of having a different opinion, or even of offending someone, if the position I need to take is worth it, but I don't want to lose friends or followers because we simply see things differently. When I have a strong opinion on something, I will let you know, otherwise, you can assume I am voting, researching, talking about, or reading about the important matters in our lives. I just think there are more things to be gained by using social media as a tool for loving on people than by using it to alienate others. If you need to know where I stand on a topic, ask me. I will tell you.

    SO. Moving on. As I have been doing for a few years now, I have recently participated in 2 new book launches. 

"How The Light Gets In" by Jolina Petersheim is a sort of modern Amish story, based on the book of Ruth in the Bible. In my opinion, very loosely based, but I can see the correlations. I liked it a lot and gave it 5 stars on Goodreads. There are several plot twists that make getting through the first little bit very much worth it. The beginning is a little confusing and slowly paced, but you learn why this is necessary. It was a treat from memoirs, and "self-help" which are what most of my last few launches were. I enjoyed it so much I bought the Audible version.

"A Grateful American" by Gary Sinise. Man. There aren't enough words to describe this book, and the story that has brought "Lt Dan" to the place he is now. I titled my 5 star review, "This book will change your life.", and I stand by that. Gary Sinise was involved in getting Shot Baton Rouge police officer Nick Tullier a wheelchair accessible van, and I have been more aware of him since then. I know the military, and veterans are his heart, but he has a BIG heart, and loves to serve LEO's also. The book is so good, and I hope one day, it becomes it's own movie.

"Can't Make This Stuff Up! Finding the Upside's to Life's Downs" by Susannah B Lewis, known all over the FB as Whoa Susannah is one of the sweetest little things I've read in a while. Her stories are so personal, and you can tell by her writing, that she is sharing her heart with you. As part of her launch team, I received the first 1/3rd or so of the book to read and review. I gave it 5 stars too, because this book feels like sitting down with an old friend, and that can never happen enough. I can hardly wait until April to get the rest of the book!

NOW. I'm starting a new book and study by Lysa Terkeurst "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way- finding unexpected strength when disappointment leaves you shattered" I'm looking forward to learning a bit more about recovering from disappointment, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure it's going to come down to my attitude. That's never fun. But, our goal in life should always be to keep moving forward. 

     So, in closing. Keep your minds open. Keep your books open. Keep your hearts open. Nothing bad can come from being open and communicating with our fellow man. It takes work, but isn't it worth it?

NaNoWriMo

   As I've done for the past three years, this November I am participating in NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writers Month. A group challenge to write a novel with a minimum of 50,000 words in 30 days. It is tough. And I wish it was not in November because there is just so much going on in this month. Thanksgiving, all the prep for that, and then general holiday stuff. Decorating and things like that. I lost 4 writing days doing family things. That is not a bad thing, the family stuff was important and I enjoyed it (mostly;). But that equals almost 7,000 words behind schedule, and that gets intimidating. So now I am plugging away, trying to meet a challenge I set for myself. There is no other reason. I'm not obligated to finish. But now I've started a story and I want to see how it ends. So, I will plod on.

Frustrated Tears

    I am fighting tears of frustration at this moment. I could probably avoid the whole mess if I cut out all social media, but I like to see pics of people's dogs and plants, and falls. I want to know how big your babies and grand babies are and what great things they are doing. And something is screwing it up.

    I take pride in the fact that I have friends of every race, color, political view, sexual orientation, religion, you name it, I probably know one. I love to have conversations with people different from me, about whatever topic comes. Key word CONVERSATIONS. And I can with most of my people. But lately, it seems that people have lost the ability to communicate without generalizing, and blaming. Yes, I am a middle aged white woman, so I would have presumably never felt the sting of racism, right? WRONG. I'm not a lesbian, or transgender, or the child of lesbian parents, so I must be unable to empathize with the struggles, private and public of people living their lives this way, right? WRONG.

     Let me just tell you, no one gets a pass anymore. I've been judged for not breast feeding, for being a working mom, for being in law enforcement, for being married to a cop, for being a gun owner, for being a dog owner, just to name a few. Living in this country means that we get to do A LOT of what we want to. Everything, no, of course not. But for the most part, I believe that our country gets it right more than it gets it wrong. It just seems to me that when it gets it wrong, people are WAY MORE WILLING to point fingers and place blame. And that gets nothing fixed.

      My main point is this, if you see something wrong, do something to fix it. Posting a blame and hate filled diatribe on an Instagram post from your safe home with power, water, Internet, and the significant other that you get to choose, doesn't make a difference. Educate yourself at the very least.

     Finally, we all have those things we are unbending about, and we should. I don't post on social media about most of my political views. I don't give my opinion on vaccines. BUT. I will forever support properly trained and supported law enforcement. Without it, we are a lost nation.
And I am a Christian. The Jeses I love and believe in loves and died for EVERY SINGLE PERSON. His command was simply. love everyone. If you have a conflict with this, then you have a conflict with a church, or a religion, or were treated badly by a person. But Jesus said to love everyone. Not the ones like you, or that agree with you. Any church t aching this is wrong. Try another church.

     I'm just exhausted by everyone looking for someone to blame ALL THE TIME.

Two Handed Again!🙌 (Sort-of)

     On December 21st, I did what I had been putting off for literally years, and had my torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder repaired. After the trauma from surgery before, I had previously said that my arm could just fall right off and I would just deal with it. The passage of time and the increase of the pain changed my mind. The procedure went fine, but as would be my luck, the line for the nerve block that is supposed to keep you "comfortable", and keep your whole shoulder and neck numb for like 36 hours, came out. Not only was my pain relief gone, but the line was leaking fluid all up under my packing where we had been told it needed to stay DRY DRY DRY. So at about 11:30 or so that same night, we had to go back to the ER. They can't re-insert that line, it's an anesthesiologist problem.😩😩 So I'm just basically screwed. I did have pretty good oral pain meds that were supposed to be for the breakthrough pain, so I was ok. And most of the time it only got to the point where I was practically doing labor breathing and mediation and visualization techniques to get to the next dose age time. But I got through that bad part, and am getting ready to start PT. I think that will go good because I have some decent motion with my lower arm and hand now. I'm typing again.👍

     In the downtime, I have been involved in launching two really great books. The first one is called Girl, Was Your Face by Rachel Hollis.  The tag line on the cover says "Stop believing the lies abowho are so you can become who you were meant to be." Who does not need that their life? The book addresses common lies that women believe, and breaks them down one by one, with some suggestions to find YOUR TRUTH about the subject at the end of the chapter. Some examples: I'm bad at sex; I'll never be a great mom; I'm defined by my weight; I should be further along by now. The suggestions at the end of each chapter are kind of open ended, because it's really up to you to figure out your truth once you confront the lie. Sounds tough, but such satisfying work. Read this book. Then get one for every woman you love. 

     The second one is called A Midwife in Amish Country. It is just an amazingly heartfelt memoir of bringing babies into the world and the good, the scary, the sad, the exhilaration of having this calling on your life. I'm still reading it, but I know it's one I will suggest for anyone interested in memoirs, and women's interest books. I'll finish my reviews when I finish the book.

NaNoWriMo is coming up!

       NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is coming up again! For those that don't remember, in November, a group of people set a goal to each write a book consisting of a minimum of 50,000 words in less than 30 days. There is an online support community with lots of reference materials, as well as just cheer leading in general. You set up a profile and can choose writing buddies, people who have similar writing styles, or are in the same genre as you. It's all super supportive. Last year I did it, and finished my book with about an hour to spare. I then promptly burst into tears because I could not believe I had actually done it. It was awesome. I am now in the middle of editing that book, which is frankly not as much of a hassle as I thought it would be. Much like writing, you just sit down and do it. Of course, I'm not done, so maybe ask me in another month and the answer may be different.

     So for NaNoWriMo this year, I may go back to the piece I originally started. It's not a 50,000 word novel, so I won't "win", but this story has been in my head for so long. I dream about these people. I only stopped writing that book to write my NaNoWriMo book, and I haven't started it up again. I don't think that was supposed to be how that went.

     I said all of that to say this. Last year I started a few days late, then got DYSENTERY half way through. I finished. If you have ever though about writing a book, do this. It's fun. It's hard. It's rewarding. If you just sit down with an idea, any idea, the words will come. Even if you never publish it, YOU WILL HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK!